my feelings towards this..

It is hard to express...it's sad? confused??? i am thinking a little much...but i hope to stop thinking too... i know wat should i do now is to relax n not to think so much...bt i duno y it automatically appears in my mind..no matter when n where...why?? why things keep happening on me???
GOD..help me...

HE was talking to his frien and i accidentally heard tat he is telling most of his friends he might be leaving to singapore to work.... indeed i think that is his final decision...
we were touching bout this issue 1 day while we're walking back..... maybe diff hav diff view..i can't stop u too.... i will support u to hav ur own future... money is more important to everyone nowadays....u wont be so stupid because of a girl n not going to hav a good future,rite??

Anyway, i can tell u that i don't wish u to leave me too far..it's hard for us to communicate..it's hard for us to meet...at tat time, we don't hav much time to get together anymore...i can stand by myself bt i feel lonely without u..it's hard to hav a long distance relationship although i know this would be 1 of our challenges..i am speechless...bt can u feel the pain n sadness in my heart??? It wouldn't be a matter for others or maybe for u..

Jus finish chatting with one of my friend..we touched about this thing... she told me about her story...after listening her story, i am thinking again...she waited for her bf for 3 yrs....n the end she get is nothing...they know they're impossible although they love each other so much... is tat their faith??are they 2 still waiting to meet again??to be as happy as last time??

The thing same thing comes to me...can i ask u some ques: are u going to marry me?are u going to be with me,take care of me n be loyal to me?will u ever think how to appreciate me when i'm nt beside u?am i the 1 u really wanna be with and u feel is the most suitable???

I hope to hav answers frm u to make my decision..whether should i wait or shouldn't i?? i am big enough to think a bit far...although other people will tell me tat i'm still small..wat for wanna care so much?u gt plenty of time.. But,it's really very tiring to hav a serious relationship...Many things you hav to be done,to tolerate....to be together is not tat easy... even a LONG DISTANCE relationship... I neva tried b4 bt i strongly disagree it...i can c hw suffer..trust is the most important thing...once u hav lost the trust, everything is lost...how much u love the person is useless....

I don't wan to sit alone in the room crying like a girl jus came out from hospital bahagia because of breaking up...why should i suffer and torture myself so much???does it worth?? wat if i stay tough n strong in everything bt at last we ended up nothing also???I can't imagine how would i looks like... i put in 感情 in this relationship..i hope for the best because i believe i and him can settle it in a different ways..i knew he is good enough to settle with it...bt how come GOD jus can't giv me much more time to be beside him physically for more than only jus this few months??

I am nt strong enough to handle every things in part of my life...i wish i could get one to be with me...i need u..i dun wish to leave u...pls....y am i taking this small thing so serious???but i jus can't stop thinkin....i am learning to be strong..learning to live without u beside..

But i should tell myself i am TOUGH....u can do it..nothing cannot be defeated!!

17th of April

It is 11.10a.m.. i had jus finished my stupid statistic exam.... it was so embarrassing this morning...
I was answering the ques, suddenly, i started to scribble on the paper... i wrote : I hate u.. i want u to get lost from my mind...i am tired..it's enough for me..please... i continue writing my story on the question paper..words are vomiting out...i can't stop writing until my lecturer came ovr n asked me wat am i writing?

I was so confused..i started to breath sophisticatedly, i am tired..i wanted to cry but tears wont help me...tears cant do anything... the only way to released myself... i dun wanna to be a baby anymore... wat for keep crying?? be a big girl and settle things and to make myself lives happier...

i started thinking back....ur face, ur smile....everything flashes trough my memories ONCE again...i duno wat this called?? do i still love him??if i love him, i wouldn't treated him like tat..i would have treated him like how i treat hoe now.... if it would be reverse, how good was it..we can be forever for sure... but i believe god is fair.. i believe if we still have the faith, we will be together at last....

I must start to learn to think positively, i wanna learn to control myself...but sometimes i fail.. i throw my temper on him...i showed faces on him...i treated him so bad..i am useless...i am over excited on him..i duno y...i noe he is nt those flower heart type,bt i jus cant believe in him...is it anything happened ???johor ppl are always untrusted.. everything was passed...i noe how u feel, n i promised i wont do that anymore..i keep this to myself...but you won't noe...u can enjoy ur life to the fullest since we broke up..noone will be controlling u.... i have no more rights to control u as i always do...

I jus only realised i have become so usual sticked to u, accompanying u, doing everything with u...bt now i cant do tat anymore..and i noe u wouldn't be giving me a chance anymore...i hate u...that is y i am asking u to get off my mind... enough of him and coming back to the reality...

If ur're reading these, i am so SORRY for wat hav i did last time..i knew i brought u so many troubles...nothing i can do now...hope u enjoy ur life now goin out yumcha in the middle of the night,smoking as much as u can,going whr as far as u can...noone is going to control u anymore...
ur're FREE... i am so sorry for controlling u those days..i can't get any idea y am i doing that to u?? maybe it's because i am afraid that i might lose u...actually it is not a good scene...so many things hav come to an end jus like tat..it is a waste,right??

I choose to let u go it's because i hope we can improve ourselves... i n u made many mistakes....from this relationship,i n u learned a lot i bet... everything will be in my memories..

I am quite satisfied with the one i am having now..i din complained him much as because i love him??i duno whether am i right..i can accept his past as everyone knows about his past..i started knowing his existence since 15 yrs old...i get to know him frm taekwondo classes....he would be my admirer at tat time, i wish to be more closer to him at that time..bt i dun think thr is the chance until i came to this school now....i hav to appreciate wat i hav and wat i really wants...

Time passes so fast...it's 17 of april...i admitted i hav not appreciated the lov u gave me...ur temper tat always makes me feel grateful n guilty..if thr is a chance to tell the girls ur're chasing now, i would tell them to treat u better..u r a good boy, a one who is loyal... he loves his gf so much, although he doesn't know how to express it out..bt he mean it in his heart...

I admit i am still missing you..i miss the days how you tolerated me...i knew it...human always doesn't know how to appreciate when they comes to lost it..on the other hand,i hav to learn to grow up..i am no more 19...i hav to be matured enough to handle all my things....bt in the process, it seems hard and difficult..jus giv me some time...

Finally i know love is not that simple and easy as wat last time me n u always think that...change 1 by 1 so easily...especially you..i really can't understand...u can get in lov with one vry fast, bt how come u cant try to be in a stable relationship....noone in this world is perfect...

I never forget the time when we broke up...it hurts....i duno y i still forgive u..everyone must be saying tat i still loves u..bt at tat time,i knew we are impossible...things cant be predicted...i n u coupled up 1 day after so long...i was shocked..i told myself tat i hav to appreciate the time with u now...i do n i will...

25th August 2007

Today is 25th of August..It was a sunny saturday...hoho...1 more day,i can see him!!i was extremly happy....Today my mum woke me up at 9.30a.m....OMG> It's too early le mum...She woke me up to ask me some question and she went to play badminton at last..I can't sleep back...I decided to wake up and go downstairs...I went down and sat down.. I was SUPER hungry...I asked my mum to get me something to eat...She packed wanton mee for me...hehe...After i ate my mee,i continue sitting down in front of the comp and start playing till my handphone rang, It was xin yan's msg..hehe...She dated me out!!hoho....I din went out to eat with my family but with this cute yan yan...hehe....

For so long she din fetch before,this time she has the chance dy..hoho..So happy ride on her car...haha...We went to greetown to eat.We decided to drop in Chatter Box...She recommended the things there were delicious...I wanted to try some so we went in....We sat down and ordered our food....Chit chat all the way...from start till end..lol...We quickly pay and we left that place and headed to Jusco..We went round and round the car park but we can't get a place....sad..

After going round for about 20 minutes, we got a space..We met mee yen and ee lynn at secret recipe....They were eating mango cake, ice cream cake..it looks delicious!!yummy~~We continued our window shopping after that...We left jusco at 5p.m..Nothing much to buy oso....She fetched me back and she went back too....

Nothing much happen till the night...I was watching youtube until i forgot to write my blog...I posted it today~~hehe......good night^^There is some photos from Jiar li's hse...lol..Her dolls can sleep her whole bed... =P

24 th August 2007

Today was Friday.....Suddenly my cousin called and woke me up..Than later that,keng yip called..At last he called me...lol..He told me that he is going out with jiar li at 4.00p.m and ask me whether i want to follow a nt..Of cause i wan!!haha....At first he told me he is coming to fetch me at 2 something,than he is going to fetch his gf back at 3p.m than we fetch jiar li.I quickly went to get ready everything.I sat down in front of my comp at 2p.m.Suddenly my phone rang,it was that ng keng yip.He told me he is coming at 3 something... =.='

I have to wait.No choice...I wait and wait.....and that time my house doesn't have electricity..It was so so hot...i was wearing black dress and long jeans...At last he came and i went up his car...we went to the state library to fetch our big sister,Jiar Li..than we headed to Greentown.We decided to find a place to sit down and eat and chat.The best choice was Old Town Kopitiam..hoho...Ipoh white coffee is nice!!We eat,drink.....I suggested to Jiar li's house..Her big new house..Huge n luxury house....I haven been there before cause she jus shifted in.

Everyone agreed than we strated pur journey at 5p.m. We started to visit her house first..we went in every room,even the toilet..From first floor till third floor..hoho..at last,we arrived her to her room.The grand door opened...her room was blue in colour,with many mickeys n minnies inside..lol...

First of all,i visited her toilet first...hoho..I looked all around...It was nice....Interior designer helped her dad to designed the whole house...

Jiar li, We will miss u here...Please promise us something.please....Take good care of urself when ur're there...remember..we will be here supporting you..dun worry..Be tough....U can do it!! k??

Sigh..one of my best and cute friend is leaving me... T.T... i scare i am going to cry in the airport..Well,today i woke up at 11 something..Wing n gaga have dated me at 1.30p.m. I tell myself i have to wake up earlier to get myself punctual...hehe..once i wake up,i am thinking to find who to acc me to Ipoh Parade shopping center. The parking there is dangerous..There is a case that a girl been caught up by a van. I was so worry..I nid a person to acc me..I opened up my phone book, went through all my contacts..I phoned everyone in Ipoh that i familiar with..Everyone was busy,sleeping..and the time is already 12.30p.m.I still can't get someone to acc me..how??I am thinking...I decided to call back Wing.I discussed with her..at last,she agreed too..

I went out and fetched her at 1.00p.m. I msg Jiar Li to tell her we changed the time to 2.30p.m cause we need some time to go and get her a small meaningful present.On the way,Wing and Me kept talk and talk...Suddenly the rain pours..I drove so slow..I can't see the road clearly...It was so scary...We reached Ipoh Parade safely...We quickly get a parking and headed to buy the present.We bought a mechanic pencil...We carved our name on it to let Jiar Li won't forget bout us and when she uses the pencil she will think of us...hehe...After that,we still have quite a lot of time,Wing and me went round shopping.....Shopping...Haha...I bought a pair of shoes again~~LOL..y ar??i know i got a lot of shoes but i still like to buy shoes...After that.we went round and round...

We were waiting for the main character of the day to come..hehe...She called us at 2.45p.m.We went in to one restaurant named IRO IRO..haha..the feel i can say it nice..bt the food inside is a bit herm....haha...it's cheap oso..Everyone jus nid to pay RM 6.We chit chat,took pics inside the restaurant..I really miss the time last time we went to MMSB for holiday program..We went shopping together..We went yumcha everytime when we came back to Ipoh...When i goes to subang,i will drop by her house to visit her...When i need her help,she will be there for me,When I feel sad,i will call her....I think i will miss u a lotz...Come back once you have the chance,okay Jiar Li??promise us....keep in contact too...






Wing,Jiar Li n Me














I kiss and cherish U^^





Ng Keng Yip put us aeroplane...He said he will come n fetch us and we have dinner together..but last minute he said his mum don't allow him to go out!!how can??We have to postponed it....Tomorrow Kah Yan is coming over to chat chat chat n chat with me...hoho~~I won't be home alone again....i am waiting~~muaks..I love today^^ I bought 1 pair of shoes,mascara n a love purple chain!!

22nd August 2007

Today was Wednesday n it was someone told me that he is coming to Ipoh to find me... but nothing went successfully..one day after one day..

I woke up at 12 something..My stomach was not well...pain...it was so pain..I am suffering...My caring n joyful "kakak" came n ask me wat do i want to eat for my lunch,she prepared me a bowl of maggie in curry flavour..hoho...Once the maggie is ready,my dad came back...too sorry dad,u have to eat alone today^^

I doesn't have the appetite to eat so much today..duno y..stomach doesn't feel well le i think....At first,everything was planned well...my cousin sis working in kl purposely took leave on fri n sat..it's because we planned nicely that they all will be coming to ipoh on thurs n we're going up to Penang on fri..that's y my cousin sis wanted to follow us up oso.she was so hesitated..she went and get her leave the nxt morning n called me to tell me....i was so happy that she was so excited n hesitated..i can't wait for that day..i am really waiting....i miss him..i feel like wan to see him n enjoy going out with him....until....

I called him this afternoon....Suddenly he told me his frien is not going to acc him to Ipoh...My mood was 100 drop till 20....i suddenly become so mang zang...i jus wan to do others to stop myself getting like that..i wanted to cool down...i msg apple...i asked her something silly n funny...i knew the answer yet i still wan to ask her...She agreed my ques..lol..i told her the whole incident...she ask me to cool down n try to solve the prob..after a few sms, i think i've cool down myself...i jus dun feel like seeing u at the moment..i hate u!! once n once making me disappointed...fine!!wateva..ur parents not allow or anything..jus dun nid to come!!I feel so sad....i say this from my mouth..bt i noe wat my heart is thinking....wateva...i dun feel like caring it anymore...better dun nid to waste ur precious time n strength purposely from Johor to Ipoh....thanks for making me so happy n excited at first...i really thanks u....i dun wan to have nxt time pls....not going to!!!! dun think of the long semester break this year end!! I am going out...sometimes i feel like ending this....i don't wan to let myself to suffer so much...the happiness jus for a few minutes...n the sorrows came for so long....bt i dun feel like letting it go as i noe we love each other....

For sure u will be saying that i am the one who taking these problems to make myself suffer...I am not making it by myself..i duno y i become so bad temper when i comes to u...i duno is this the right thing to love a person??maybe it's nt...bt i really pulled myself up n think...i am a girl that is easily being hurt..i admit...i hope the guy i meet now can take care of me..protect me everytime....be at the side of me supporting n taking care of me...i know my temper is terrible..i promise myself i will change...i will correct...bt please give me some time...i nid time to wake myself up when i comes to love....okie?? pls bear with me now...I jus feel like expressing myself here...I mus be tough!!I am a big girl.. I can't jus let my tears drop that easy..I mus control!!!My tears are falling,bt no one will know....no one will know...i can't tell.......I am unhappy...I am sad...

N the most important thing is bout my parents..I duno when can they really accept??after i finish my degree???3 more years?I know u all worried me....i know...i have to go by one day...I hope u all can understand wat i wan....i don't ask for much..bt jus a bit...okie??i am sorry.bt i think i am grown...I jus nid some freedom...need some space....not to say u all din give me any freedom..dun worry!!u treated me so good!!I am protected by u all..i am happy...

I am putting myself down...i nid to go out to have some fun..i jus can't sit here n keep thinking....I went shopping with my mum...she got a RM20 voucher...it will be going to expired by sept,so we have to use it up before sept..I went n bought some ladies stuff....a few thing costs me RM110,after the RM20 of discount will be RM90....Ladies stuff really costs huh?HAIZ..... I dun have the appetite to eat...i dun have the mood to talk....I jus can quarrel with anyone easily....Y am i like that??Y?Y??because of the stupid thing....I duno wat the hell i wan!!wat i wan??i am really so confused,pissed!~ I am a complicated girl with complicated thinkings.... I could jus wish i am stupid..I won't think so much n made so many problems for myself....I am not a good girl oso..I am nt!!Dun choose me....everyone,listen!!Eric n apple will be always beside me...I hope they will stay with me longer...jus dun feel like losing them.....I love u guys^^

He called me after fetching his sis and everything..I was no feeling want to talk to him..but i am not that kind of girl...can act that i am so cool....i kept quiet n listen to him...till one moment i really cannot stand..we both raised our voice..he wanted to end the phone...i was so so angry..i don't want to end..but unfortunately my mum opened my door..he straight away ended the phone...i called back so so many times but he didn't answer.....At that moment,I hate him so much..but i wan to say sorry to him...I won't do that again...But he doesn't want to answer my phone..I cried...i screamed...I looked like a retard...I looked like someone from the psycho hospital..I feel so upset...I really wanted wan to apologize....I am SORRY..SORRY...Please forgive me^^